Published November 4, 2009
Hey, its IR here. Here's an interesting little short story i wrote on a whim. I hope you like it and review. Thanks a lot!
The building shimmered like a liquid mirror, reflecting rays of sun spinning into the city. It was colossal, brooding over and smothering the small buildings with its menacing shadow. The air was thick and stuffy, giving the sensation that one was walking through an invisible wall of water. None of the pedestrians noticed the silhouette on the top of the building. It was almost invisible.
The man stood, toes meeting the edge of the roof. His eyes were clenched shut, and his forehead wrinkled in concentration. A black coat fluttered in a frenzy around him, as if it was trying to escape. His black air tangled around his face, glistening with silver sweat. Slowly, his arms raised and shakily peeled the coat off him. It floated for a moment, then the wind took it soaring in spirals down to the ground.
His chest was bare now, and it gradually rose up and down. His skin was pale and smooth, like a pearl. And like a pearl, it was beautiful. Than his eyes snapped open; they were icy blue, so light they almost matched the tone of his skin. His knees bent, and his huge hands clamped onto the edge with a death grip. His chest rose quickly now, and sweat trickled down his back and chest.
The shadow on the building flickered, and then it grew clearer. It blocked out the sun, as it slowly fell down the side of the building. The wind pushed against it, silencing any screams. It fell for what seemed forever, still distorted by the glare of the sun. Then it began to reach the concrete ground,meaning certain death and a bloody mess. But as it reached out to kiss death, it started to rise. It rose increasingly quicker, until it seemed to pierce the air even faster than its descent. The shadow soared upward, growing fainter until it disappeared into the sky. The only thing left was a pale white feather that fluttered wildly down to the ground. Unfortunately, nobody even noticed that.
Please tell me if you would like it to be continued.
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh this is a lovely little start. I am loving the vibes especially here with you establishing them so powerfully and so clearly there right from the very beginning. It really sets the mood for the scene and the man appearing there seemingly out of nowhere blends in perfectly as a result. The description of this man is also really nicely done I think. It has just enough of that weight to it that we really feel the power resting beside it all and there's this anticipation and sense of something to come that works really well here for the opening of a story.
This is quite the powerful sequence here. I think you've done really well there in terms of describing this. Much like the opening this just builds quite powerfully here. Without much context, it feels like some of these symbols are a little wasted but besides that the more universal ideas shine through very well and we know something big and powerful did go down here. I think it definitely did more than enough to make me want to read more of this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is extreme! Great story just some minor touch ups,
Not many people would use a mans chest as "beautiful" Just my opinion.*I don't really get how a shadow has blood.* *Means my first interpretation. I wasn't very clear on what was falling. But with further inspection I realized what it was. Remember, people don't read books twice "usually" But other wise great!
I love this piece, for some reason it reminded me of angels. Anyways, keep up the good work. Nothing I think you could, or should, change. It's bravo. Brilliant.
Sometimes a piece can be so descriptive, it overdoes itself. I would like to say that this piece is not once of them. Beautiful description, and a piece that catches your interest just like that. Please do continue this! I want to know more about this man. I just hope he doesn't jump, but then again with a title like "The Shilouette", maybe it would be an interesting concept. Whatever the concept, whatever the idea, whatever you decide to do with this, as I said, along with a lot of reviewers, please do continue this!
I think that all the obvious mistakes were pointed out by Finalfreedom. Yea I would really watch out for the "Then" and "Then", like Freedom said "Then" is a place in time. "Than" is a comparison. Otherwise these small nit picks I really loved it!
Keep writing! Until next time...
Tata for now!
Starleene Out!
I liked this introduction. It made me thirst for more. Why is this man on the rooftop? Is he going to jump? Please write more. I would also like to see how this will turn into a fantasy.
Great story, I love the descriptions. But one thing - the last sentence seeks kinda' stiff and essay-like. It doesn't seem to fit with the story...
First of all, I would like to say that this is a wonderful piece! I would definitely love to see more. I could barely find anything to nitpick ^.^
This may only be a personal opinion, but I would take out the and after "clenched shut". It just runs more smoothly to me, and brings in the coming description with more ease.
"... than the wind..."
First of all, I love how you added in such a simple thing. The coat fluttering away - brilliant. But in this context, you should be using "then", not "than". Then is a place in time, than is a comparison. For example;
"Back then, when I was a young'un..."
Or
"They used to love to say 'mine is bigger than yours!' and chase each other with severed chicken heads."
This sentence seems somewhat choppy. Maybe take out the and, and change it to:
"His chest was bare now, gradually rising up and down."
That would also leave room for other description, such as his anxiety, for example.
Once again, "then" is more appropriate here.
Here, I would make it "concrete ground", and take out the which and change the "meant" to "meaning".
All I have to say is just watch your usage of "then" and "than", but otherwise, it's awesome! Keep going!
I don't know what to make of this.
I couldn't notice any grammar or punctuation mistakes.
I absolutely love your description! It amazed me.
If you're really into this piece then I say go ahead.